This is quite an emotional blogpost, where I don’t really come to any conclusions, more like writing what is currently in my head. It’s an honest post, where I try to put words into what I am going through. I hope you like it and that it isn’t too heavy to read.
What do you do when you’re told that you have quit what you love to do the most…? That you have to stop doing what you want to do for the rest of your life? You are a good dancer with a lot of potential but if you dance, you will kill yourself… What do you do when someone tells you that you will never heal..?
Well… you try to get through the day with a fake smile on your lips, without too many tears in your eyes & desperately removing the thought “why me…?” which doesn’t stop circling around your head.
For a dancer, getting this kind of message, is the worst possible.
Drowning in your own tears…
Of course I cried when I was told that I would never be able to dance again, when I had the conversation with the director of taZ, but it wasn’t until I had landed in India, that it got to me. Am I not a dancer anymore?
The answer is: you’re always a dancer. On and off work, all day everyday. If you have been dancing this much, on such a high level, & have a big passion for it- no matter what, you will always be a dancer.
Being a dancer is not only doing what looks good in the mirror, forming beautiful poses with your body, warming up a bit before class, stretching a little after… Dancing is so much more. Physically preparing yourself is as important as to mentally get yourself ready- for class or for performance.
Being a dancer is not attending class, fast try to get the corrections and movements right, finish class, go home & then relax. Think about other things. No. Not at all. Ballet & dance require 100% attention, 24/7. That’s a though statement but- take it or leave it. It’s just a fact, the honest truth, and that is why I love dancing so much.
You have to be smart, always at your best, never in a “relaxed” mood during the day. And so the work continues at home; prepare shoes, go through combinations etc etc.
Right now, I am not fine. I think everyone in the right mind, understands that I’m not.
I had the time of my life in Zurich, an amazing school, super great teachers, really good boarding house with wonderful friends & a lovely city. Suddenly, I am here in India, doing nothing but hoping for my back to heal… No ballet, no dance, no friends & in a city I would rather like to change to something else.
How are you? Don’t ask this question, please. First of all, I cannot tell you how I really am, if you don’t want to spend the rest of the day with me & second of all- I can barely keep myself from crying, I will have to give you a faded fake smile with the phrase “fine, & you?”.
I pray to God, who I am not even believing in, that I will heal. Fast. I also pray to God that the school, taZ, will take me back. Either for the second term or for next year. Either starting with my class or to redo one year. Whatever works. I have to dance.
3 lonely months are now waiting for me. The American Embassy School wanted me to start in January, which means I am stuck here with absolutely no friends or anything to do, but rehab 2 hours everyday… I am already going to Zurich in a month though. I will most likely also, rather soon, make a visit to Sweden, to see some of my best friends.
Ending this blogpost with some tears, cuddling with my cute cat besides the computer helps but it doesn’t heal. Still having the pain. Still stuck here.