Recovering takes time, I am aware of it and I hate it.
This past week I have been doing physio everyday, except Thursday. It differs a lot from week to week, how many times & for how long I do. We have gradually increased the amount of active exercises, I nearly only do active sessions right now, instead of the passive ones. Like core exercises, legs, gluteus & so on.
The pain has continued decreasing. Since I’ve started pushing my body more in physio, I had a reaction of that the other day, more pain & I got the feeling of it going back- towards having problems again. It made me super frustrated but I got explained to me that this is normal when starting training a bit harder, you sort of upset the area around the injury- then let it go down & then push it again, until it’s used to that. It’s all in the process of healing.
The other day, I got the though news from the ballet school in Zurich, that they will not take me back. They don’t need more girls for the H-class next year & they don’t want me since I’ve gotten this problem. The director was straight forward & honest. In my opinion, that’s rather harsh, but at the same time I totally understand his decision & what he’s saying. It is better getting everything clear the first time, than giving false hopes. The one & only positive thing about knowing that I won’t be able to go back to Zurich is, now I don’t have to get stressed about doing any auditions in March. I can fully put all my focus into healing, getting strong & doing rehab. Not having the stress of being able to do absolutely full class in only some months.
I still have my spot at the Royal Swedish Ballet school though. My future plan for next school year is now to go there. With a lot of hard work, determination, motivation & focus on minding my own business, I think it would be a good school for me. Now, all I have to do now is figuring out where to go after Christmas.
I have 2 options for the next semester. The first one is that I stay here, do the swedish academic high school on distance while doing physio & working a lot with my ballet friend here. I would have time to chose myself, how I want to plan my day with doing both studying & a lot of training. My ballet friend here really helps me with so many things, she could definitely help me getting a strong & healthy body. Because I have a good body, but it’s weak. It needs time & strength.
The second option would be to go back to Sweden. Attend an academic boarding school there while doing physio & ballet. The school could also help me finish the whole first school year, in only the second semester. Which means that I won’t be behind in the academics. There is still time & place to practice a lot.
I am in constant “not knowing what to do”- pain. Because it is hard being told you could never dance again, it is hard suddenly being in India with nothing but physio to do, it is hard not knowing whether to go to Sweden or stay in India. Sometimes everything just gets too much. Why me? Why now? Why this?
So it continues… holding back tears every now & then is definitely needed.