Happy tears 

It’s been 8 months since I got the stress fracture in my back. 8 months on a roller coaster. Tears, laughs, pain, challenges, meeting new people, moving around, experiencing new things. 8 months of not knowing where to go or what to do are finally over. 

These past three days I’ve been taking class with the ninth graders at the Royal Swedish Baller school and yesterday a jury (consisting of all the teachers in the upper school) was watching me as I was participating in the class. The barre went really well, the center was good though I was deadly tired. The jumps were alright and pointe went OK. When the class was finished everyone went out including the teacher holding the class so that I could do my solo for the jury. After that they gave me feedback.

Long story short, they told me I was a beautiful dancer with a really good body and they were so happy to have me back again. Hearing that made me truly happy. My feedback was to apply the same various dynamics in ballet as I do in contemporary and to loosen up the upper body a bit. As this was an (informal?) audition they told me I am free to come after summer. Finally. Finally I have a guaranteed place. A ballet school and a life to look forward to.

I am SO happy and SO relived to finally know where to go and what to do in life. I am also SO happy that the teachers were that positive about me and they really meant what they said. It truly touched me.

I am healed. Body, heart, mind and soul. Words cannot describe how thankful I am for the support I’ve got from the many amazing people I’ve been surrounded with. I would never be able to get back to dancing without them. Physically and mentally support. Everything from physiotherapy in Delhi, to the many hours spent working out with my ballet friend, support from my family and an especially big thanks my mom. For never giving up fighting for me to be able to get back to dance. ❤

Happy tears are running down my cheeks as I write this. Is it a passion or addiction? Either way, it is what I want to do and so I will.

It’s been 8 months since I got the stress fracture in my back. 8 months on a roller coaster. Tears, laughs, pain, challenges, meeting new people, moving around, experiencing new things. 8 months of not knowing where to go or what to do are finally over.

Although I wish no one will have to go through what I did I am thankful for everything I’ve got to experience during these months. I’ve grown as a person and I am much stronger physically and mentally now. Not to mention the amazing friends I’ve made that I am sure I will stay in touch with my whole life.

I can assure you, as a normal person you will never understand this but going to a (normal) academic school as a dancer has been more than hard (like actually). How do I even act around a society consisting of people that are not wearing warmup boots let alone doing everything with the legs turned out nor see great potential in long corridors?! Corridors are for grand allegro and pirouettes. 

Lots of love xxx 


Back update 

Holaaaa guys! 

Since I’ve got so many questions about this lately, here comes a back update.
As you may or may not know, just some weeks after my school start in Zurich, I was diagnosed with spondylolisis– a stress fracture in my lumber spine on the left side. This was very painful and not only had I a stress fracture but a stress reaction on the other side.

After months of rest and amazing physio treatment in Delhi, ft AktivOrtho, was I given confirmation from several doctors that I was healed. They compared the MRI results from October with the new ones- taken in February and saw major differences. Their conclusion and final statement were that I was healed.

Happily healed, back on track to work my way towards become a ballerina. 

Being healed obviously doesn’t mean you will never experience pain again, nor that you can stop building muscles around that area. Although I am healed I may feel some slight inconvenience in the lower back, when working hard. This doesn’t necessarily have to indicate that the injury is coming back, or that I’m not healed but a result of hard work with a body that is not 100% used to move in such movements due to the many months off hard training.

As I have been writing in previous posts, some weeks ago I felt this soreness in my back but as I kept going it disappeared after only some days. This always happens in different, other, parts of my body, and is especially common for dancers since they’re always working their bodies hard with almost no rest.

My present condition of my back is good. All good everything good. My ballet classes are going better and better and I can slowly feel my body getting back in shape. I work at least 2-3 hours everyday myself, in the gym. I try to run at least every other day, if not everyday (everything from 3k- 5k I’d say) and additionally continue with strength.

For exercising I put extra effort into working my core and to really engage the abdominals. It was probably due to lack of muscles in the back and core as well as over flexibility in the back that caused the injury. Other than that I obviously do back too, legs, inductors, feet, arms and so it goes on. 

In exactly two weeks I am having the uppdansning (mini exam) for the Royal Swedish Ballet school which I will go to next year. I am a bit nervous but more excited. Meaning, loads of hard work!!

Take care xo

Dance talkin’

I am a dancer. I define myself as a dancer. I cannot go an hour about not thinking a single thought that isn’t dance related. Is that a good or a bad thing…?

Well, I mean, it is a bad thing considering I am in a boarding school with ONLY normal people, no dance but my own workouts everyday including ballet class with a teacher once a week…

Do I like it here? Hmm… 

I would not say that I dislike it, definitely not. I LOVE my room here at the boarding school, the house I live in, my roomie and my friends. I think the school, academically, is good. However, it would be a lie stating that I do not miss ballet.

I miss dancing. Every. Single. Day. 

I miss being with other dancers. I miss constantly working nonstop with my body. Always striving for perfection. I miss talking about dance. I miss watching dance. I miss taking class, jumping, adagio, turning, pointe, centre, allegro and so on.

I am going to Delhi in only some days. While there, I will do a MRI to see the progress of my back. Doctors will then be able to tell whether this sort of injury will heal enough for me to pursue a professional dance career. Or not.

If yes, which I really really hope, I will finish grade 10 here at the boarding school. Then start at the Royal Swedish Ballet school again, after the summer break, in August 2017.

As long as I know that my back can cope, I will do everything and anything to become a dancer. Not only some dancer. But a really good one.  

Back talkin’ 

A roller coaster goes up, to go down, it takes turns and has curves. Sometimes it is faster and sometime it might as well slow down. So does recovery. 

The daily question: will my back ever be fine? 

Well, honestly I have no idea. My back has been, as you know, feeling really great for some weeks now. Recently though, I have experienced some sort of pain again.

The pain always scares me, it reminds of how unbearable painful it was months ago.

I have no specific idea why I feel like this. Do I over work? Do I need to rest? Maybe I need to train harder? What I certainly shouldn’t have done though, is to play volleyball. Unlike ballet, team sports are rather unpredictable and I wished someone would have stopped me and prevented me from playing…

Well… I can’t do anything about it now. My back feels already better though, if I carry heavy stuff or jump around too much, I do feel it. Almost like a stab in the lumber spine, very light but extremely unpleasant and scary.

My plan is to take it easy some days from now. Meaning, no jumping but easy running and NO movements that cause pain. I had an hour and a half of lunch break today, I took the time working out and my back hasn’t gone any worse since then. That’s good!

I do physio once a week, here in Sigtuna. It feels SO much better to be surrounded by people who somewhat knows about the life as a dancer or overall how to treat injuries. Although I am very experienced and I know exactly what exercises I should do, and how, it can feel very lonely to be completely alone in this. Therefore, seeing a physiotherapist once a week is good. The physio in Sweden differs a lot compared to in India. I honestly cannot wait until I am back in Delhi again, to not only see my family but also to do the amazing physio there.

It hurts my heart everyday, seeing how my friends & generally dancers all over the world practice dance on a daily basis. It is SO weird to be completely surrounded by normal people, though I really like the girls I live with, I miss the dance world so much… I’m trying to not get too sad about the situation and actually try to enjoy it instead. To take each and everyday at a time. I will start with ballet next week though. Thinking about that makes me genuinely happier at least ❤

Now I have to go back to studying, I am having an exam on Monday in social studies…


– Thoughts on fracturing my back 

Being told I could never dance again & that I immediately had to quit dancing, wasn’t funny. Neither being in that much pain. Or to leave everything I had in Zurich.
I’m not religious & I don’t believe I God (though I respect everyone who does), what I do believe in sometimes though, is that things happen for a reason. Just as much as I hate how this happened to me, I’m kind of glad it did. 

Fracturing my back has led to many things. I got to spend more time in Delhi, making it feel like home as well. This, led to making loads of new friends. I’ve met people with such different backgrounds, who’ve lived all over the world & experienced all sorts of things. I’ve made so many good friends who have really helped me a lot. Refusing going back to India after being in Zurich wasn’t an option, I had to go & I hated it. 3 months later & I hated leaving instead. Making many good friends is one thing, but I am also super thankful for the amazing physio I was able to do in Delhi. I don’t think I could’ve gotten any better physio in neither Sweden, Zürich or any other place in the world. My back is way better now & that’s all thanks to the physio I received.

Am I happy about fracturing my back? 

Well, this has given me time to think, to reconsider, to realise & to get knowledge about things I’d never do if this wouldn’t happen. I’m not happy, in fact, I hate that fracturing my back may make me unable to become a professional dancer. On the other hand, I’m glad for these many experiences I’ve gotten because of this. Lots & lots & lots of traveling, new friends & overall many new influences in my life.

I’m starting the boarding school in 11 days. I will try my best to do the full year in only one semester. I will also continue to do physio & practise ballet. For this semester, I’ll do as much ballet as I can- workout everyday & put as much effort as I possible can into the dance. While my studies & the academics are just as important. I have no idea where I’ll go next school year. I want to be a dancer so badly but another (more logic) part of me, says that the best choice would be to graduate & do all three years at the boarding school. Choosing the dance is a huge uncertainty, especially since I’m not even & ever will be, able to tell if my back will manage. Or break again… At the same time, I’m not sure I’ll manage a life without ballet? Hmm… 

Though, this isn’t a decision I have to take today. For now, I’ll start at the boarding school, do my best, keep up with the ballet at the same time, do it as much as I can as long as it works out. To try my back and see how hard I can push it. 


“A blessing and a curse” 

This is something I think everyone should read. I relate to this till a 100% and it’s a really good article. “A blessing and a curse…”
Press Here to get to the site where he article was published. 
I’m so sorry for not writing the best possible blogposts at the moment, I am busy studying & I also try to enjoy my last days here in India, for a while, as much as possible. 
Take care & Sweet dreams! ❤️